sometimes.....

I just wish I had my Dad around to talk to.  Do you ever feel like that?  Do you ever just really miss talking to certain people in your life? Maybe they have passed away, maybe you just lost touch or maybe there were certain events that took place that set you apart.  What do you miss most?  What would you tell them?

I know for me I miss his genuine listening ear.  One that you can only get from a Dad.  That ear that listens intently and then with a firm message tells you what he thinks.... because he loves you with all his heart. What would I want to tell him?........  I would tell him what an AMAZINGLY strong granddaughter he has.  A granddaughter that is just like him in so many ways.  I would tell him about his grandson he never met, who has his SAME temperament and is just as stubborn as he was! LOL  I would tell him all about my journey and my success!  I would tell him about the fear I have for the future and decisions I have to make and respect his advice.  I would introduce him to all the amazing people in my life that have supported me and loved me through this journey.  I would show him how much people can change when they really want to.  I would ask him how he was able to whether the difficult times? .... I would ask him what the best tires are to put on my vehicle?   ......I would ask him whether it is a good idea to pursue a new dream?   ......I wold ask him out to lunch to one of my favorite restaurants.  I would ask him for a hug..... and as he left I would hug him back and tell him how much I loved him......

I know many of you reading this have lost your Dad or your Mom, or any loved one and miss them as much as I miss my Dad.  I know what it feels like on those days when it's just really hard.  Like standing at the card isle at target and looking at all the cards that you would have gotten  your dad for father's day.  Or so desperately wanting that big shoulder to cry on when life feels really tough.  It's good to have those feelings, it's good to go through those emotions because I believe it gives you a desire for LIFE.  A desire to appreciate the people you HAVE in your life.  You just have to be willing to acknowledge those bad days..... push through them and come out the other side with a desire to live and experience life and enjoy each of those really great moments you do have.  Or you can live in a dark hole and wish everyone around you could experience your pain and suffering with you.  I have lived both and I can tell you........ the first choice is a much better one!

YOU have the ability to be AMAZING, don't get stuck in your own pain (whatever that pain may be) .... move forward and show the world how it's done!

Trust

I have been getting a lot of emails asking about our daughter and why she had surgery.  Last December she had been complaining of a feeling like she had water in her ear.  We took her to the ENT and at that point they treated it like an ear infection.  When it did not clear up with multiple attempts at antibiotics and drops, our ENT suggested a head CT.  Within 3 hours of her CT her Dr. called and said she has a large size tumor and that we would need to see a surgeon right away.
Due to his popularity, we could not get into the surgeon for 6 weeks. When we finally saw him in May he told us he believed she had what was called a Cholesteatoma.  This is typically a benign tumor that destroys bone and had to be removed.  His suggestion was within 6 months.  We opted to do it as soon as school was out. She had her surgery this last monday the 17th.......
What I am grateful for:  the tumor has been removed, the bone in her scull was not as damaged as he originally thought, the tumor was able to be removed from her facial nerve and as a result she has no facial paralysis. Grateful she was not sick after surgery and her balance is normal. Grateful her pain is minimal.
What I am still praying for:  She has lost complete hearing.... prior to surgery should could hear sound but not clarity.... praying she is a candidate in a year for an implant.  Praying the tumor does not come back.... it has a 50% regrowth rate, Praying the biopsy comes back fine,  Praying for her to mentally be able to work through some of the frustration she has right now.

What have I learned through this process? I have learned to TRUST..... From a young age I learned not to trust and with that came fear, I spent many years running form fear.  As I got older and life grew harder my lack of ability to trust became so severe that I shut people out including my faith and trust in God.
Those of you who have read my blog know that this blog is about mending.  This last week I noticed my biggest growth in mending.....  Monday I was faced with a big fear, fear that my child could have a life changing outcome.  Fear that I could not be strong for her. Fear that it would impact our family and our marriage.  (Have you ever been faced with those really difficult challenges? I know you have, because everyone has at some level).   I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I went through this big transformation and that I went into this without fear, that would just not be true.  I had strong moments and really weak moments.  What I will say is that I went into this last week feeling mostly strong, feeling courageous, and feeling like I was able to support my daughter  and be a positive influence in what she had to face.
How do you face those fears when they are breathing down your neck?  You trust.... for me I trusted that God was in control of this situation, He loves her MORE than I do and if I would remember that one simple thing I should have no fear.  But I often forget that which is why I have surrounded myself with people that will remind me and encourage me.
I used the tools my coach and trainer have conditioned me for, I reached out to my very tight circle of friends, that they would follow through and support me during this time...... I trusted them and they were AWESOME!  I asked my family to be there for us and reached out and asked for specific things we needed, I trusted they would follow through and they did.  Can I tell you how good it feels to go into a difficult situation with confidence and with support?  To go into a situation where fear does not win?    Friends if your facing life and all life's battles fearful and alone.... it doesn't have to be that way.  But you do have to make a change and I say YOU because the reality of it is;  if YOU don't change, if YOU don't take action...... YOU WILL NOT GROW.
I am grateful for this last weeks growth, I am grateful for the AMAZING people in my life, I am grateful that my daughter felt so LOVED and could see and feel how many people cared for her, prayed for her and encouraged her.  I am grateful that I could take fear and turn it into courage...... Thank you to ALL of you for reaching out and for your concern.
Jen

"fearful situations are the ground on which courage is born"  

  doing great!

A life of hope

Can you even imagine what it was like to be a little boy old enough to understand the world around you, old enough to feel the anger and see the fear in your fathers eyes as he prepared to end your life?  Imagine your life at 10 changing countries with people you didn't even know.  Then finally reaching the land of the free only to be faced with abuse and neglect. Imagine the fear, imagine the pain, imagine the loss of hope........

De found hope with one of his foster dads.  I asked De What was it about his foster dad that made an impact in his life?  His response was "even though I caused so much trouble.... police at our house every night, multiple times I was put in jail....... he still loved me."  Unconditional love was shown to De, Unconditional love gave him hope, unconditional love gave him a promise and the possibility of a future.

At the age of 15, De was adopted by a different person and was moved to Lakeville.  It was a hard transition leaving the foster father whom he trusted and move to a new home. While at Lakeville high school, De was met with hostility. He wanted to make a new life for himself but he was faced with the negativity and harshness that comes with life and life in high school.  Until he met my niece Katie.  For the first time in his life he found someone who understood him, who looked beyond his past and loved him for who he was deep inside.  Throughout their relationship, it has been a delicate balance of trust and respect.  What De found with Katie and the rest of her family was just that.... FAMILY.  A bond that runs deeper than color, deeper than blood and deeper than any friendship.  Katie and De were married just after high school.

Together Katie and De have sought strength together in the belief that our Heavenly Father has a plan for each and every one of us.  Their plan is to return to Africa on a missions trip and help the people of Kora.  I asked De how he felt about this. "Are you scared to return to a place with so many memories? Are you going to seek out your father and your family?" De said "this is what we feel led to do.  I want to bring hope to the people of Kora and show them they can have a future."  De also mentioned he found out he has a younger sister.  He would love to find her and do whatever he can for her, but he also feels it's like finding a needle in a haystack.  "In Africa it's not like here in America where you have addresses and ways to track people." People change names, change locations and many people die at a very young age.

I find it amazing that someone like De..... someone with such a past..... such a journey can move past his struggles and see the good, see the positive and not dwell on the negative.  De's personality RADIATES joy, RADIATES forgiveness, RADIATES hope for a bright future in where ever his path leads him...... I hope his path leads him back here with me and onto a personal training program because I LOVE when he pushes and motivates me to get bigger faster stronger!! But I know I am being super selfish!!  
De and Katie have a blog that you can follow them on, as well as support through prayer and monetary donations. You can find them here at: These muddy feet.

Thank you for following De's journey these past few days.   I hope you find inspiration to realize your life has meaning, your life has hope and your life has depth!!

Jen

He tries to keep food away from me...

and yes..... he often lifts me up!

he tries to motivate me.....

From Africa to America

De was born into a muslim family in Ethiopa, Africa.  At a very young age,  De found himself testing his boundries.  One very clear day that De remembers, is the day his father tied him to a pole and held a machettie to his neck..... his father yelling at him that he was going to kill him.  What would possibly invoke a father to do such a thing?  De had been caught stealing...... food.  In the Muslim faith, stealing is strickly prohibited and in most cases they would cut off your hand..... in De's case his father went to the extreme and decided to kill him.  De was just 10 years old.  10 years old..... the same age as my daughter.   I can't even imagine.

Just at the very instance De's father was ready to end his young life, his Uncle began shouting "NO, NO, NO! I will take care of him!"  De's father released him to his uncle and his journey toward America began.

De's journey took 2 years....... he traveled from Ethiopia to Kenya and finally to America.  Sadly in the process, his Uncle died while in Kenya.  De was a part of a "family" that had applied for US visas, many of which De had no idea who they were.  When his uncle died, they found a "replacement" for his visa.  Once in America, De was shuffled from Minnesota to Georgia, to Tennessee and back to Minnesota.  He hardly spoke english and lived a very poor life by American standards.

Abuse was a common occurrence in De's life.  I have seen scars on De's body and often wondered what they were from.... so I asked.  "What caused such wounds?  What were you hit with?"  De's response was simply "What didn't they hit me with."  Doesn't that make you want to hold out your arms, pull your babies close and give love and protection? Doesn't that just make you ANGRY?

Eventually De had enough!  He decided to get away.....away from the abuse and pain.  He ran to the only place he felt safe...... his school playground. He hid in the tube of a slide until it got so cold he could no longer take it.  He ran to the closest building where eventually a security guard caught him and called the police.  He was taken to a local hospital and when the nurse lifted his shirt she could see what had been done to him.  De was then placed into the foster system..... he was just 13 years old.

........Join me tomorrow to see how De found his way into the our family

Meet DeSean

   
Are you guys ready for this one? This story will not only touch your heart..... It will break your heart.

This is DeSean Jellum..... we all know him as "De".  De's story is one that is so important to share, (he only just recently shared it publicly for the first time) and I feel it is such a deeply moving gift of life that EVERYONE should read it and hear it.

De's life began in Ethiopia and through an epic journey has found him here in Minnesota, and most importantly here in my family.  I am proud to say De is my nephew, I am proud to know a young person with as much heart and passion and desire for life as he has.  Not many people have that..... especially at the age of 20.

Follow De's journey with me over the next 2 days and hear what a gift life truly is, hear what the human body can endure and hear what the heart and mind can OVERCOME!

Black and White

I don't know about you but I have always seen my life in black and white.  Maybe that's why I love photography so much because it gives me permission to "view" in color. What do I mean "black and white"?

In my life when things are really good, EVERYTHING is really good and when things are really bad.... EVERYTHING is really bad......Black and white!  No gray area.  Why?  My need for control.......dang it! Seriously? I have been working really hard this past year to give up control and I discover I still have tendencies to go right back to that desire.  Kinda like chocolate.......... and peanut butter.............. and mocha coolers..... yikes way off track here!   

Let me give you an example: My life right now..... a really "bad" or difficult thing to go through right now is my daughters surgery.  We had a bump in the road friday and ended up in children's hospital. I felt really strong and confident God was in complete control and he put us in the right hospital with the right doctor. We eventually got to go home and still I felt like everything is okay "just stay strong and make it to the 17th". We even carried out the rest of our Friday like it was any other day.  Saturday morning her fever went up again. My plan that morning was to go to Boot Camp,  In my heart I wanted to stay home, not trust that my husband could take care of her and let myself stay home.... and worry.

NO! That is not allowing myself to LIVE in the gray area.  I can still let my life be happy and do the things that I have been working hard for and choose to do and trust that my daughter will be JUST FINE.  I PUSHED myself to go.... I pushed into the gray area.  Honestly I wanted to go, but my mind was still with my daughter and I didn't feel like my body had anything left in me.  I made it through the workout and at the very end......... LOST it, I mean all out sobbing in my car lost it!  Funny too because my friend Amy was just telling me on the car ride up how strong I was, and how AMAZED she was at my "complete  transformation" and how well I held it together on Friday.

Since then EVERYTHING has been bad..... she was still battling a fever, I was tired and crabby and beating myself up on the inside for letting myself lose control over my emotions, there are very few people I let see me get really emotional, so for me to be in public was a big embarrassment.  I was mad at my son for not listening to me and for invading my space and always wanting me to hold him..... I was so SICK of this Minnesota rain with no sun.... ever!  I was mad that the house was a mess, mad that my emails that I had written were not responded to, mad at EVERYTHING and NOTHING was right or good.

When the reality of it is...... you CAN have good along with the bad, you CAN have gray areas.  Do  not let the negative steal joy and happiness from those really good moments in your life.  I look back and think how I could have viewed it differently...... We were able to leave the hospital with a medicine and a plan that will help our daughter.  I have a son that LOVES to love on his mama and not many boys do....  I just need to enjoy it because I won't have it for long, my house.... big deal it can be cleaned another day, and the fact that I lost it with my emotions..... give myself some slack and realize it was a complete release from the previous days stress.  Find joy in the fact that I had a really good friend with, who knew what to say and when to give me space and when to go with me to caribou! Find comfort in the fact that I have some AMAZING people in my life that called and texted me on Sunday to see how our daughter was...... and how I was. Complete joy in the fact that I have an amazingly strong husband who carried the load when I couldn't.
And most importantly complete trust in our heavenly Father that he will carry us through.

My challenge this week and you can join me if you want:  For the next 3 days I will not only train the muscles of my body but I will train the muscle that allows me to refuse to dwell on the difficulties. I will train my emotional muscle that allows me to turn bitterness into beauty.  I will make a conscious effort to "give thanks in all circumstances"  When I am stuck in that traffic jam I will give thanks that I have nice paved roads to drive on, when I get that hospital bill, I will give thanks that I live in a place where I have instant access to great medical care. When I fail...... I will give thanks that I have second chances. And in the end I will have strengthened the muscle of gratitude.

Have an amazing week,
Jen

..... make your MARK

Yesterday I posted on Facebook  "go make your mark, go out and do something extraordinary!"  If you did it.... did you get that funny feeling in your tummy? A little fear, a little excitement setting in... That's LIFE... that's the feeling you get when you know your LIVING!!! So if you did it.... GOOD JOB! If you didn't, try it today.... Go out and make your MARK, step out of your comfort zone and do something extraordinary!

I don't know if you could call mine extraordinary.... but you could say it was extra - ordinary.  And I defiantly had butterflies in my stomach and by the time I was done I had excitement, relief and joy.  I stepped out of my comfort zone and approached someone I have wanted to approach for some time.  Have you ever mis-judged someone? Have you ever viewed someone and thought "yep, I know the type or I know the personality or I've _____________ (you fill in the blank)

The old Jen did that A LOT! I formed my opinion about someone and that was that, people don't change. Which is WHY I have such a hard time believing why people have embraced the new Jen?  If I couldn't except the fact that people can change..... then why would people except that I could change?
Thank goodness the world is not full of the "old Jen's"! 

I learned today that it takes an act of courage to confront, be willing to listen and be open to peoples ideas and values. After all that is what shapes them.
I'm so glad I took that step today because today I formed a new..... deeper friendship, that I know will last a very long time.

I had some responses to my post and I just wanted to acknowledge one really extraordinary one..... Kim Parnell, who is a dear friend of my brother and sister-in-laws. Kim posted that she walked with a cane with the help of a friend.  WOW! It really moved me..... tears in the eyes moved me.  You see Kim has MS and just a year ago she was a high functioning nurse living with MS, when suddenly that all changed and she was in the hospital fighting for her life. I remember this time because I was praying for a miracle for her life. Today she is a living example of LIFE, COURAGE, STRENGTH and BEAUTY. You are Amazing Kim and people are WATCHING you and your desire to LIVE!

Now everybody go out and MAKE YOUR MARK!!!

~JEN

......going after a dream

     My trainer and mentor Jay Altman has encouraged me to write down all the things I would ever dream about doing.  Initially it started with..... "I just want to feel better"  it was a dream because I didn't really think it was possible. I mean how could changing diet and exercise fix what many medical doctors couldn't figure out? Then it was: "If I could lose 90lbs" and hey guess what?  I made it! Now one of my dreams is to take my body to a whole new level! I have even bigger dreams and life goals that are long term and even if I never reach them.... it's going to be an amazing ride!

     This weekend I was fortunate to see one of Jay and Kelly Altman's DREAMS unfold. They have worked extremely hard at creating Altman Fitness starting from the ground up; putting all the pieces of running a small business together, renting space at various locations, finding amazing members..... NOW they have there OWN space! All of us are so excited to see the growth of Altman fitness and be a part of such an amazing company.  Together they have weathered the growing pains of starting a new business, to creating a thriving business that supports a healthy lifestyle and will expand to even more.  CONGRATULATIONS Jay and Kelly Altman! Beyond excited for the both of you!!! 

The "dream team" Jay and Kelly Altman..... 

First day in the new space!

This picture is one of the MANY amazing teams at Altman Fitness. Want to be a part of it? Click here and sign up for a free 1 week trail!!!  Altmanfitness.com

Jen