Black and White

I don't know about you but I have always seen my life in black and white.  Maybe that's why I love photography so much because it gives me permission to "view" in color. What do I mean "black and white"?

In my life when things are really good, EVERYTHING is really good and when things are really bad.... EVERYTHING is really bad......Black and white!  No gray area.  Why?  My need for control.......dang it! Seriously? I have been working really hard this past year to give up control and I discover I still have tendencies to go right back to that desire.  Kinda like chocolate.......... and peanut butter.............. and mocha coolers..... yikes way off track here!   

Let me give you an example: My life right now..... a really "bad" or difficult thing to go through right now is my daughters surgery.  We had a bump in the road friday and ended up in children's hospital. I felt really strong and confident God was in complete control and he put us in the right hospital with the right doctor. We eventually got to go home and still I felt like everything is okay "just stay strong and make it to the 17th". We even carried out the rest of our Friday like it was any other day.  Saturday morning her fever went up again. My plan that morning was to go to Boot Camp,  In my heart I wanted to stay home, not trust that my husband could take care of her and let myself stay home.... and worry.

NO! That is not allowing myself to LIVE in the gray area.  I can still let my life be happy and do the things that I have been working hard for and choose to do and trust that my daughter will be JUST FINE.  I PUSHED myself to go.... I pushed into the gray area.  Honestly I wanted to go, but my mind was still with my daughter and I didn't feel like my body had anything left in me.  I made it through the workout and at the very end......... LOST it, I mean all out sobbing in my car lost it!  Funny too because my friend Amy was just telling me on the car ride up how strong I was, and how AMAZED she was at my "complete  transformation" and how well I held it together on Friday.

Since then EVERYTHING has been bad..... she was still battling a fever, I was tired and crabby and beating myself up on the inside for letting myself lose control over my emotions, there are very few people I let see me get really emotional, so for me to be in public was a big embarrassment.  I was mad at my son for not listening to me and for invading my space and always wanting me to hold him..... I was so SICK of this Minnesota rain with no sun.... ever!  I was mad that the house was a mess, mad that my emails that I had written were not responded to, mad at EVERYTHING and NOTHING was right or good.

When the reality of it is...... you CAN have good along with the bad, you CAN have gray areas.  Do  not let the negative steal joy and happiness from those really good moments in your life.  I look back and think how I could have viewed it differently...... We were able to leave the hospital with a medicine and a plan that will help our daughter.  I have a son that LOVES to love on his mama and not many boys do....  I just need to enjoy it because I won't have it for long, my house.... big deal it can be cleaned another day, and the fact that I lost it with my emotions..... give myself some slack and realize it was a complete release from the previous days stress.  Find joy in the fact that I had a really good friend with, who knew what to say and when to give me space and when to go with me to caribou! Find comfort in the fact that I have some AMAZING people in my life that called and texted me on Sunday to see how our daughter was...... and how I was. Complete joy in the fact that I have an amazingly strong husband who carried the load when I couldn't.
And most importantly complete trust in our heavenly Father that he will carry us through.

My challenge this week and you can join me if you want:  For the next 3 days I will not only train the muscles of my body but I will train the muscle that allows me to refuse to dwell on the difficulties. I will train my emotional muscle that allows me to turn bitterness into beauty.  I will make a conscious effort to "give thanks in all circumstances"  When I am stuck in that traffic jam I will give thanks that I have nice paved roads to drive on, when I get that hospital bill, I will give thanks that I live in a place where I have instant access to great medical care. When I fail...... I will give thanks that I have second chances. And in the end I will have strengthened the muscle of gratitude.

Have an amazing week,
Jen